THE TEETH welcome you back to their blog.
They wonder how long they’ll stick with this convention of referring to themselves in the first-person plural, all caps. They suspect it’ll get annoying, never mind what it does to the reader.
THE TEETH had an unusual experience recently; they’re going to write about it because they figure relating an extremely creepy story that casts the author in questionable light is a great thing to do with your blog’s second post. THE TEETH are occasional users of OkCupid. For those who aren’t familiar with it, THE TEETH can’t in good conscience describe it as the rest stop restroom of internet dating minus the promise of thrilling, risky sex, but they’d like to. It’s mostly just a time sink lately, and a low-cost receptacle for well-worn PG-rated fantasies. A couple of months ago, while sinking some time into OkCupid, browsing potential matches [1], THE TEETH found a profile that kicked their teeth in.
This individual [2] was attractive in a way you feel cardiovascularly; very photogenic; had a captivating sense of style. Her self-summary essays were hilarious and her explanations of the survey questions were unassailably badass. THE TEETH sent her a message right away. Her profile included a link to her blog, which included a lot of photos, all of which THE TEETH totally snooped over the course of a few days. By putting together clues from the OkCupid profile and the blog, and with a little help from Sensei Google, THE TEETH pieced together her name. She was a skilled and prolific writer. THE TEETH managed to put together some of her history and felt an affinity. She talked about many of the things THE TEETH likes to talk about, and she thought about them in ways THE TEETH liked very much. Seems like she’d had a strange, maybe a difficult life; very sensitive and a little despressed, intelligent and alert; sad, but too sardonic to be self-pitying, too generous to be angry. Very attractive to someone with THE TEETH’s disposition [3].
THE TEETH never heard back. Oh well. THE TEETH kept up their creeper credentials by gawking at her profile every now and then, and then a longer session with the sensei revealed that she had died. The date of the obituary was, hand to god, the date THE TEETH had sent her a message. From the comments on the page, THE TEETH suspect she committed suicide [4].
That explains why she hadn’t logged in to OkCupid for so long.
If the reader doesn’t already have opinions on the subject, THE TEETH would like to meditate on a couple of things about this little episode that are kinda weird. These will mostly be in the form of queries because THE TEETH don’t know shit about anything.
First, her OkCupid profile is still sitting there. THE TEETH don’t want to turn this into some facile meditation on how “technology” is changing this and that so fast, but it is a little strange that, as we cruise along the information superhighway, we’re leaving these little monuments strewn around the e-countryside. Maybe her family didn’t know she had the profile there; maybe no one but me actually knows anything about the person who made the profile. Her OkCupid inbox is full; it wasn’t before. Obviously, people are still sending messages. They might keep on trying till the end of time, and she’ll still be sitting there, the photogenic and self-confident self she created totally impervious to it all. None of them have read the comments on the obituary declaring their confidence that she’s at peace with god now and praying for her parents in this difficult time.
Firstpointfive, does it matter? Have THE TEETH really exhausted this topic? Why do they care that her one-time self-representation is still there for creepy, lonely people like THE TEETH to drool over? That isn’t her. If someone constructs a person for THE TEETH to be based on an old high school yearbook photo, do THE TEETH, living or dead, care? What impulse—misplaced chivalry, previously unsuspected Christian decorum, jealousy?—makes THE TEETH want to go to that one picture where she’s showing some cleavage and throw a sweater over her?
Second, what exactly are THE TEETH feeling about this? If THE TEETH are detecting a hint of grief in there, does that indicate some disturbingly wonky priorities and tendencies on their part? What right do THE TEETH have to feel personal sadness about the death of someone they never met? Or is it a more selfish grief, sadness for the loss of some idealized relationship? Is this THE TEETH’s love life writ large?
Third, if there’s something to that last thought, what is it, exactly, THE TEETH think they’ve lost? What are they looking to that idealized relationship to fulfill?
Why do THE TEETH feel compelled to go visit this e-gravestone?
[1] A perennial editorial question: how should sarcasm be styled and/or punctuated?
[2] Originally, some urge to be vague about gender and sexuality drove THE TEETH to refer to “this individual” throughout, but in this case, readability won; it was a lady.
[3] Do THE TEETH idealize? Obvs.
[4] The question of suicide makes this even stranger. THE TEETH will probably address this later.
