Enamel

THE TEETH welcome you back to their blog.

They have shamelessly ripped off an idea from a friend to produce A Brutally Honest Personal Ad.

Me:  A tall man, broad-shouldered, with [edit for brutal honesty: slightly more than] a hint of love handles; in years past varyingly fatter and fitter than at present. An ambivalent academic, an anti-intellectual over-intellectualizer. Judgmental but empathic; a lover of the sincere, the queer, and the monstrous. Exceedingly discerning in choosing intimates, unreservedly devoted to those chosen few. Pervasive self-loathing paradoxically the foundation of extreme self-assurance and -esteem. These manifest as humility, easy suavity, and an idiosyncratic and endearingly self-deprecating sense of humor. You will probably be charmed silly by these qualities only to be put off by occasional episodes of crushing self-hatred and depression, during which you will probably be treated coolly; these will come without warning and must be tolerated calmly but never indulged. A jaded radical, a self-centered altruist, a principled feminist who gets prickly when women tell him what to do. Highly motivated by physical, intellectual, and emotional connection; catholic in sexual tastes. Enjoys difficult music and social theory, scatological humor and wordplay, meaningful conversation, delighting loved ones, and food. Impatient of arrogance and insincerity but appreciative of confidence and a sense of irony. Right to wildly revise self-definition without notice is reserved.

You: A dizzyingly complex, well-rounded, intimidatingly intelligent (broadly defined) woman. Must be surpassingly sharp, unapologetically wicked, given to biting repartee and able to tease me for my ridiculousness while adoring me for the very things you’re teasing me about; ability to take it and dish it out tempered by deep warmth and hidden fragility. Ability to blow my mind and convince me I’m wrong about something without making me feel small a plus. Sexual adventurousness and enthusiasm, love of beer or bourbon, and equal willingness to spend a night tearing the town a new one or to spend it on the couch highly desired. Ideally, you will be intensely attracted to and continuously affirming of my good qualities (physical and otherwise), of which I have many, and willing to overlook or help me improve my bad ones, of which I have many; you will take my unreasonable love of certain parts of your personality and anatomy in stride; you will keep me on my toes. Self-reflection and forthright communication, ability to balance excitement about relationship with me and fulfilling independent life, ability to detect when you are annoying me all non-negotiable. If applicable, must be willing to engage without becoming clingy, able to productively address problems and know when things aren’t working without panicking and bailing out without notice. Readiness to joke about and then critically reflect upon taboo subjects moves you to the front of the line.

For consideration, please submit a slightly revealing photograph; a meditation on (a) problems of epistemology and ontology posed by postmodern criticism, (b) feminism and pornography, or (c) mistakes you’ve made in past romantic or sexual relationships; and a brief discussion of your best qualities (physical and otherwise), in your estimation.

Gingiva

THE TEETH welcome you back to their blog.

They wonder how long they’ll stick with this convention of referring to themselves in the first-person plural, all caps. They suspect it’ll get annoying, never mind what it does to the reader.

THE TEETH had an unusual experience recently; they’re going to write about it because they figure relating an extremely creepy story that casts the author in questionable light is a great thing to do with your blog’s second post. THE TEETH are occasional users of OkCupid. For those who aren’t familiar with it, THE TEETH can’t in good conscience describe it as the rest stop restroom of internet dating minus the promise of thrilling, risky sex, but they’d like to. It’s mostly just a time sink lately, and a low-cost receptacle for well-worn PG-rated fantasies. A couple of months ago, while sinking some time into OkCupid, browsing potential matches [1], THE TEETH found a profile that kicked their teeth in.

This individual [2] was attractive in a way you feel cardiovascularly; very photogenic; had a captivating sense of style. Her self-summary essays were hilarious and her explanations of the survey questions were unassailably badass. THE TEETH sent her a message right away. Her profile included a link to her blog, which included a lot of photos, all of which THE TEETH totally snooped over the course of a few days. By putting together clues from the OkCupid profile and the blog, and with a little help from Sensei Google, THE TEETH pieced together her name. She was a skilled and prolific writer. THE TEETH managed to put together some of her history and felt an affinity. She talked about many of the things THE TEETH likes to talk about, and she thought about them in ways THE TEETH liked very much. Seems like she’d had a strange, maybe a difficult life; very sensitive and a little despressed, intelligent and alert; sad, but too sardonic to be self-pitying, too generous to be angry. Very attractive to someone with THE TEETH’s disposition [3].

THE TEETH never heard back. Oh well. THE TEETH kept up their creeper credentials by gawking at her profile every now and then, and then a longer session with the sensei revealed that she had died. The date of the obituary was, hand to god, the date THE TEETH had sent her a message. From the comments on the page, THE TEETH suspect she committed suicide [4].

That explains why she hadn’t logged in to OkCupid for so long.

If the reader doesn’t already have opinions on the subject, THE TEETH would like to meditate on a couple of things about this little episode that are kinda weird. These will mostly be in the form of queries because THE TEETH don’t know shit about anything.

First, her OkCupid profile is still sitting there. THE TEETH don’t want to turn this into some facile meditation on how “technology” is changing this and that so fast, but it is a little strange that, as we cruise along the information superhighway, we’re leaving these little monuments strewn around the e-countryside. Maybe her family didn’t know she had the profile there; maybe no one but me actually knows anything about the person who made the profile. Her OkCupid inbox is full; it wasn’t before. Obviously, people are still sending messages. They might keep on trying till the end of time, and she’ll still be sitting there, the photogenic and self-confident self she created totally impervious to it all. None of them have read the comments on the obituary declaring their confidence that she’s at peace with god now and praying for her parents in this difficult time.

Firstpointfive, does it matter? Have THE TEETH really exhausted this topic? Why do they care that her one-time self-representation is still there for creepy, lonely people like THE TEETH to drool over? That isn’t her. If someone constructs a person for THE TEETH to be based on an old high school yearbook photo, do THE TEETH, living or dead, care? What impulse—misplaced chivalry, previously unsuspected Christian decorum, jealousy?—makes THE TEETH want to go to that one picture where she’s showing some cleavage and throw a sweater over her?

Second, what exactly are THE TEETH feeling about this? If THE TEETH are detecting a hint of grief in there, does that indicate some disturbingly wonky priorities and tendencies on their part? What right do THE TEETH have to feel personal sadness about the death of someone they never met? Or is it a more selfish grief, sadness for the loss of some idealized relationship? Is this THE TEETH’s love life writ large?

Third, if there’s something to that last thought, what is it, exactly, THE TEETH think they’ve lost? What are they looking to that idealized relationship to fulfill?

Why do THE TEETH feel compelled to go visit this e-gravestone?

[1] A perennial editorial question: how should sarcasm be styled and/or punctuated?

[2] Originally, some urge to be vague about gender and sexuality drove THE TEETH to refer to “this individual” throughout, but in this case, readability won; it was a lady.

[3] Do THE TEETH idealize? Obvs.

[4] The question of suicide makes this even stranger. THE TEETH will probably address this later.

Root

THE TEETH welcome you to their blog.

This blog is now over two years old. Once this sentence is finished, THE TEETH will have blogged about one word a month. And now THE TEETH have increased their productivity by nearly fifty percent! This is what ya call progress.

This was supposed to be the place where THE TEETH shared their thoughts on things that interest them, like economics and education, but apparently THE TEETH don’t have those. What it wouldn’t be, THE TEETH promised themselves, is a purge, an obsessive, masturbatory documentation of THE TEETH’s own raveling and unraveling.

This is going to be a purge, obsessive and masturbatory.

This is where THE TEETH will sift through their metaphorical shit to find the figurative gold ring they swallowed a long time ago. No? No good? Sorry. Teeth without tongues have a hard time being tasteful.

This will be, the idea is now, an unflinching look at whatever issue concerns THE TEETH at a given time: lifelong decay or something that strikes a momentary nerve, whatever. Why now, and why in this way? Well, for one thing, THE TEETH can’t afford a dentist. (We’re talking psychological dentists here. You understand that this whole dental thing is, like, a metaphor we’re trying to work with, right?) And anyway, THE TEETH don’t really care for dentists. THE TEETH think maybe writing about these things in this way—imposing a little space between author and words, words and audience—might help them write more regularly. Submitting to the scrutiny of an imagined audience spares THE TEETH the pain and inefficiency of submitting to their own. And, unless THE TEETH have a change of heart, the audience will remain strictly imaginary.

But of course the audience is imagined, right? Whether it’s a letter or a novel, your audience is never anything better than half-invented. So this way we have an imaginary author addressing an imaginary audience.

An outline! A plan of work and preview of things to come:

1. THE TEETH’s love life.THE TEETH have this sense that romantic connection isn’t supposed to be a central part of one’s life. That might have been imbibed from the generally young, progressive, ambitious, intellectually and politically engaged crowd THE TEETH run with. That might be a reaction against the contradictory and, at any rate, generally fucked up views American culture has on sex and love and independence. That might be a reaction against THE TEETH’s mother periodically, unconvincingly nonchalantly asking whether they’ve met any nice girls lately, or whining about how she just wants to live long enough to see grandchildren. Be all that as it may, THE TEETH’s love life takes up a lot of their mental real estate, and they can’t help feeling that romantic connection—a euphemism THE TEETH use to refer to a whole muddle of feelings and relationships and significations—is important to them, and something worth thinking through.
2. American culture. THE TEETH are uncomfortable glibly referring to “American culture” and what “it” wants or believes. So maybe there will be something or other here that doesn’t have to do with THE TEETH’s own personal hangups, after all.
3. Direction and meaning. THE TEETH have been around for a while, and they don’t really know what to make of it all. THE TEETH will be talking about that. Is that too broad?

Naturally, THE TEETH imagine that these things are very interesting. They’re pretty sure no one else is writing about this kind of thing on the internet, anyway.